So. 2009. You are here. What do you hold for me?
Some grieving, for sure. I think I will need to talk about my dad here, and I’d like to have a record of at least some of my thoughts about the process, etc. Thankyou for all your lovely comments, by the way. Even the shortest line means a lot. I am generally not that much of a fan of words like ‘community’ and ‘journey’ – I feel like they get bandied about until they don’t mean anything, or mean something washed out and sickly. However, if ever there was a place to use them, this is it. It’s so helpful right now to know that there are people who will listen to whatever it is I need to say.
Probably there will be some more bitching. Because that’s how I roll – although I am trying to work on that a bit. Watching my mother has made me think about what it is that I don’t like about the way she deals with the world, and it’s something I share. I can be pretty negative a lot of the time, and I often say things that err on the side of nasty. I try not to be actually hurtful, but it’s a slippery slope, not just for other people, but from an internal, moral perspective. However, I don’t want to do what my mother does, and internalise all of that negativity. One of the things that I am finding so upsetting about the grieving process is that a lot of my personal story has just gone. I know that this is hardly unusual – every death or passing of any kind means a changing and a loss in your story. But there are a lot of things that I simply don’t want to hear from my mother, because her version will be so loaded with personal angst, with pettiness and unnecessary sniping, that I’d rather lose those stories forever than hear them tainted like that.
I don’t want to be that person. I am going to try and work on that this year, along with building stronger relationships with the parts of my family that I do like – and the people who remember my dad the way I would like to remember him… as a person, as a man, as a friend.
I am sure that there will be more specific bitching from me, too, as I try and work out my relationship with my mother. That one’s going to be pretty tough, I think. As I see it, I have three options. Shut down and close her out. Pretend, and play Happy Families. Or put in some hard yards and shoot for an actual relationship with her. I am resisting number three, even though it’s technically the best option, because it involves a lot more work, and a lot more hurt, than I am ready for at the moment. And it might all come to nothing, anyway. But I might just have to be a grown up and get on with it. We’ll see how that one works out.
And, hopefully, there will be crafting! I know! You’re all shocked! What, crafting? That’s not waht this blog is about, surely?!
Let me tell you what’s on the needles…
Well. Pretty much the same things that were on the needles when last we spoke, actually.
I have a sleeve and a neckband to go on Emily. One problem. The sleeve is pretty freaking long. When I was knitting it, I thought ‘maybe I’ll make this a bit shorter’ but it looked fine and, as any knitter knows, delusions and denial are your friend! I did have enough doubts to piece it up and try it on, though. The cuff sits right over my wrist, starting at the top of my wrist and ending halfway down my palm. Worse, the seam sits right on the tender inside of my wrist, and rubs. And because it is regular 8ply, not the breezy Kid Classic that the pattern calls for, it just doesn’t quite come off. I pretended to myself that it would be fine, really, the neck band and the other sleeve would balance it out… but I woke in the early hours of the morning today, sure in the knowledge that it would have to be ripped.
It looks good, though, and I’m motivated to get it done. It helps that the yarn (Bennett and Gregor) is beautiful and smooshy.
Sahara continues in fits and starts. I have about a quarter of the body left, and then I’ll have to review the yarn I have and see what I want to do about sleeves. I have got past the hard part on Juno Regina, and managed to muck up the mindless part. I ripped back and am ready to plunge in again. Porom has about five more rows to do – I got up to a point where I needed another needle, and I was out and about and didn’t have it. I would like to cross that one off of the list!
What else? Oh, there’s the Henley Perfectedout of Bendigo alpaca. I really want another jumper out of this yarn, and the colour is gorgeous. I also really want to own that jumper. But, in combination… I’m not sure that it’s working for me. I may have to rip it. I would like to pretend that I’m going to finish it, but, really. It’s been sitting there for at least six months! I think that tells you something, no? But then I go look at it again and it’s so pretty and soft and green… maybe it can stay a few more months…
Also, Jasmine is languishing. I think that that’s just because it’s cotton, which I am not a huge fan of, process-wise. But the number of projects I have on the go doesn’t help.
And to make matters worse, I have got the cast-on bug again! I’m resisting so far, but I really want to cast on the Bendigo 8ply I bought last year… uh… year before last (gah!) for the Cinnabar pullover. I am undecided as to whether I still want it to be that, or if I want it to be Sidelines. I also really, really want to own Jaali. Probably in a similar colour to the original – although I’m not much about the orange, really. So maybe a nice red, instead?
But that will HAVE TO WAIT.
I would really, really like to finish something. Sometime this year, even!
Wish me luck?