I started writing this as an email response to Janet’s comment on my post.  And it got really long and I thought that it’s something I’d want to blog about eventually, so here it is.
After I went to bed last night I was thinking about it some more.  I think I feel so frustrated because, for example, I get upset one day because I find something that reminds me of my dad (the serial code inside a computer game, the writing inside a christmas present book, something to do with astronomy).  So I get upset, and I process it and maybe I blog, and I feel heaps better.  Then the next week, the same thing happens.  Because of the way I’m built (I have a Meyers Briggs test to prove it!  But I didn’t need it to tell me…) I really hate going over the little stuff all the time.  I get frustrated.  So I just stop doing it. 
But it’s not the same thing coming back.  It’s a new thing, even though it looks the same.  So then it all backs up and it’s like a cupboard full of old broken things and after a while I don’t even want to open the door because it’s all going to fall on my head.
So, yes.  Like Janet said.  Movement is good.  Movement makes it feel like something that I’m doing, not something that is happening to me.  It makes it feel like something that has, if not an end, then at least a purpose.  And essentially the blog is for me, not for you guys, although you’re an awesome bonus.  So I will write what I damn well want. 
Trapped by you.
The thing is, I don’t want to write about it because I think essentially I want to be done now.  Which, when I think about it with my actual brain is ridiculous.  It’s not even been a year!  But I’m tired.  And we’ve hit the bit now where people sort of assume I’m over it, fixed, ok again.  I am pretty sure I am never going to be ok again.  That’s just not on the cards.
That said, I am also totally ok.  I know that I’m doing ok, and really, most days are frustrating but fine.  But I just feel a bit like if I put something out there that isn’t fine, people won’t have a context to put it into.  Which is silly because my blog readers/commenters have consistently proved to be the people with the best context.  You are people who know about grief, about life, about how easy things can be hard from the inside sometimes.  And I know that when you blog about the hard bits of life, even if that’s all you blog about for a while, I don’t hear it as whining or complaining or being gloomy.  That’s what life is like sometimes and it makes me want to hear from you more because that way I know when you say something is good, today was good, you mean it.
Curled by you.
I had a long talk with my oldest friend last night, who also works with me.  She had a modified version of the ‘I’m worried about you’ talk.  (I really hate that – then I feel bad because obviously I wasn’t doing a good enough job pretending to be normal and now other people are put out!  Oh no!  I failed as a human being!  Which, again: stupid, but tell my social conditioning that.)  We both agreed that something has to change.  I feel like my workplace – specifically a few of the people and the general culture – is draining my life force.  Which is upsetting because I love it there, and while I’m not crazy about all the people, I love the culture.  But I just don’t have the energy, and there’s not really a ‘turn up, do your job, go home’ option.  Everything is about being involved and part of the community.  Which is lovely.  Except then my community requires me to listen to long speils on social justice and then gives me typing to do about suicide prevention.  It isn’t feeling very supportive.  And since the pay is… not great, and a bunch of the awesome people have left recently, it doesn’t feel like there’s that much to stick around for.
Net by you.
I had a job interview a week ago for an admin job in one of our unis.  I was apprehensive about even going because I’m not keen to be in admin forever.  Then again, there’s nothing else I specifically want to do so… why not?  Anyway, it turned out to be a really good situation (more money too), but on the next Monday I sent them an email to ask them to take me out of the running because there’s an internal job that is not admin that I have applied for.  The person whose job it is is super keen and talking to me like I already have it, but she’s not the one making the decision.  Also I think she just kind of wants not to feel guilty about it.  At the time I was all excited about it, although there won’t even be a shortlist for it until next week, but now I’m not sure.  How much would change?  Would the things that are making me want to crawl under my desk and yell at everyone to go away change?  Or just shift to the new job? 
Machinery by you.
I’m pretty sure a change, any change, even the weather getting nicer, will help.  Currently in my job I am both bored and irritated.  So being engaged and irritated might be a step up.  And maybe I wouldn’t be irritated.  Who knows!  All I know is, after last week, I wish I hadn’t sent that email.  I wish I was starting a new job soon.  I wish I was working in that nice clean office on the eighth floor of a building right in the city with new people whose hangups and foibles I don’t know yet, who presumably manage to unjam the photocopier by themselves most of the time.  I don’t regret it much, but I regret it.  Enough to be considering sending the contact person an email saying ‘I changed my mind again!’ even though I’m almost positive they’ve already hired someone.  That would be silly, right?

4 thoughts on “Cheating

  1. I just wrote a whole long comment which came out sounding all wrong and ‘advicey’, so I’ve deleted it, and will just reiterate what Janet said, that you actually sound like you’re doing rather well, and exactly as how one normally would be in these circumstances.

    Grief will travel with you for many years I expect, in varying intensity.

    And for what it’s worth, I’d send a brief email to say you had a moment of madness and could they reinstate your application. That way you won’t kick yourself in the future, and all options remain open.

    Good luck with it!

    I’m glad to come here and find three posts in 2 days. I had been wondering how you were, and thinking of you. Also, what’s up with your blogroll? Have you cut it down to two blogs and you’ve ditched the rest of us? 😉

  2. You seem like you’re holding it together admirably. And write what you like… it’s your own blog. That’s the unfortunate thing about being able to read back over things… you start to feel like you’ve already said it all and everyone is bored! (Note: we’re not.)

  3. Being less bored might help. I remember starting a new job (after being unemployed) about 8 months into my horrible year. Apart from wanting to take up smoking again (didn’t) it was great. Made me feel useful and purposeful, even though I was still sad. I still work there.

    Something I wanted to say last night, I think part of my grieving was learning how to carry the loss as part of an altered me and later, much later learning to be happy and even joyous at the same time. It’s a very strange thing, because sometimes the joy when it comes seems so much sweeter because there’s been so much darkness and sorrow before it. And I’d wish that things were different but be happy nontheless. Yep, very weird.

    I like your wire photos, very cool.

    1. I don’t think I replied to this because I wanted to think about it and then forgot.

      I definitely think being les sbored would be helpful. In general, I feel sort of scratchy and anxious for no real reason. So of course I want to invent reasons, or to run away from everything because I can’t find a focus to start to make things less generally cranky. Change of job or change of scene or ANYTHING would be good. Plus, sometimes my brain feels so rusty I can feel the gears creaking which is scary.

      I have an interview for the internal job tomorrow morning. Should be interesting. I am of course now freaking out that I can’t actually do it – I have to give a 5 minute talk which is fine but finding the content is challenging, and I’m second guessing myself. So basically just need to shut up and get on with it, I think. Because I *can* do it, it might be challenging, but that is the idea! Yeesh.

      I am not normally into quotes because they feel a bit pretentious, but the week I was trying to work out what to do I came accross this one ‘A man’s reach should always exceed his grasp’. I thought it was apt.

      I can feel the difference when I am processing the grief to when I am not – even if it looks like the same thing, when I am digging in my heels, things feel like a struggle and it feels like it’s not really my life. And when I’m working with it instead of against, it feels like me again, it feels ok to be a part of me, defining but not excluding good things. Since it’s not going away for a very long time – or ever – then I’d better learn to live with it and make it a useful part of me. Some days that happens easily. Other days, not so much…

Whadya reckon?

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