Inviting by you.

There were a million things I wanted to do today.  Well, not really.  That I wanted to be done.  To have done.  Dishes, fold the laundry, cook, make marmalade, sand the wardrobe etc etc.

But I couldn’t settle to anything.  So instead, I took Black Dust Dancing out onto the lawn and finished it.  I started it on my Melbourne holiday in July, and never got it finished.  I had to basically start from the start again because I couldn’t remember who was who and what relationship they were to each other.

My ex was from Pirie and I have these really vivid memories of it in summer, the blazing sun.  I got heatstroke once from a half an hour in the sun, the first time I went.  And his family were lovely, I loved his mum and she loved me.  I would totally still visit her if… well, if she didn’t live in Pirie!

The sun and the flowers by you.

I had a thought last night, and it’s the first time I ever thought it.  I thought ‘I wish I was a man’. 

Just like that, popped into my head.  I was thinking about something and I thought ‘this would be easier if I was a guy’.

The sun and the flowers 2 by you.

I think it’s the future thing.  The being with someone and having kids.  Even if those aren’t things I end up doing, I spend an awful lot of time thinking about them.  I don’t even know if I ultimately want either of those things.  Certainly thinking about them now is not actually helpful, beyond a certain point.  We are way past that point, folks.

But I seem to have to constantly reexamine myself on the subject.  I am alone.  Am I ok with this?  What if I’m not ok with it?  What if I am, what does that mean?  What do my current relationships mean?  What if I want kids?  Do I want kids?  If that was my kid would I do it like that?  What would I be giving up?  What would I be gaining?

The sun and the flowers 4 by you.

Not that I am some kind of crazy person.  Weellll… ok, that’s debatable.  But it’s a constant background.  A quiet hum, not the uppermost on my mind, but I run things through the filter.  And maybe I am just thinking about it more at the moment, and it feels like that’s how I always do it.  My friends and family are all coupling up, getting engaged, married, pregnant.  And of course there are other filters that I run things through.  I’m just noticing this one today.

And I think, yes, I think it would be easier if I was a guy.  This was my thought last night.  If I were a guy, I wouldn’t have to go ‘I’m almost 26.  That’s young.  But not that young.  If I do want to do those things, I should at least work that out soon.  I mean, what if…’  Because, you know, the world totally works that way.  You decide you want a man and a baby and that’s what happens. 

The sun and the flowers 6 by you.

I don’t really know what conclusion to bring this too.  That’s pretty much where my thoughts are up to so far: why do I spend so much time thinking about this?  Because it’s exhausting. 

As well as being stupid.

The end.


5 thoughts on “Greener

  1. I love those photos of pansies in the grass with the sun coming through, very apt for the sring equinox I think!

    I didn’t decide that I wanted children until I was 36 and while I would have been better of (I guess) if I’d made that decision earlier it really just did not happen until I met G. Sometimes we just don’t have that much control over how those things pan out. That’s not very comforting is it?

  2. I want to give you all the answers Kate… but I am still searching for them too. If it helps at all, you are surrounded by many people who have exhausting thoughts… and even when some of those things you are thinking about happen, the thoughts are still there, just in a different format! I think maybe you are being too hard on yourself by saying it’s stupid… maybe you are just getting things clear in your head about what you do and don’t want from life. As you said, that doesn’t mean you can make it happen, but at least you are getting an understanding of what you do want.

  3. Some good news… You won a copy of Handmade in Melbourne in my giveaway. Can you please email me your postal address and I’ll send it off to you. It sounds like your ready for something new to read!

  4. Clearly we are all insane. An ex of 47 years with 3 children I wouldn’t be without I still run many of those thoughts through my filters. However, the one of being a man is an old, old one for me. It started when I was 9 or 10 and not allowed to shinny up the water pipes because my brother didn’t want to. How unfair. I also wanted to be a twin desperately or at least adopted. Now without my Mum for 12 years I know I would much rather have a Mum than a husband because I have no real experience with a good one. My ex was a sociopath. But those thought s still constantly filter through. Maybe because we are out of sync with the old dream of grow up, get married, have kids. Sorry for being no help just please know you are not insane. Cherrie

  5. It’s not stupid, nor crazy, but I’m not convinced that the world works that way. When I was “almost 26” I got dumped by a horrible man (of course I loved him terribly) and had no idea what i wanted, ever. “Maybe when I’m forty,” I thought. “Maybe I’ll have kids then, if that’s what I want and if the right guy comes along, which he probably won’t” Fast forward to 29 and a walk down the altar in a foreign country and 10 years later, it was the best decision of my life. Don’t try too hard to plan because you miss a lot of great stuff on the journey. It seems like that is what your heart knows, too.

Whadya reckon?

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