There were a million things I wanted to do today. Well, not really. That I wanted to be done. To have done. Dishes, fold the laundry, cook, make marmalade, sand the wardrobe etc etc.
But I couldn’t settle to anything. So instead, I took Black Dust Dancing out onto the lawn and finished it. I started it on my Melbourne holiday in July, and never got it finished. I had to basically start from the start again because I couldn’t remember who was who and what relationship they were to each other.
My ex was from Pirie and I have these really vivid memories of it in summer, the blazing sun. I got heatstroke once from a half an hour in the sun, the first time I went. And his family were lovely, I loved his mum and she loved me. I would totally still visit her if… well, if she didn’t live in Pirie!
I had a thought last night, and it’s the first time I ever thought it. I thought ‘I wish I was a man’.
Just like that, popped into my head. I was thinking about something and I thought ‘this would be easier if I was a guy’.
I think it’s the future thing. The being with someone and having kids. Even if those aren’t things I end up doing, I spend an awful lot of time thinking about them. I don’t even know if I ultimately want either of those things. Certainly thinking about them now is not actually helpful, beyond a certain point. We are way past that point, folks.
But I seem to have to constantly reexamine myself on the subject. I am alone. Am I ok with this? What if I’m not ok with it? What if I am, what does that mean? What do my current relationships mean? What if I want kids? Do I want kids? If that was my kid would I do it like that? What would I be giving up? What would I be gaining?
Not that I am some kind of crazy person. Weellll… ok, that’s debatable. But it’s a constant background. A quiet hum, not the uppermost on my mind, but I run things through the filter. And maybe I am just thinking about it more at the moment, and it feels like that’s how I always do it. My friends and family are all coupling up, getting engaged, married, pregnant. And of course there are other filters that I run things through. I’m just noticing this one today.
And I think, yes, I think it would be easier if I was a guy. This was my thought last night. If I were a guy, I wouldn’t have to go ‘I’m almost 26. That’s young. But not that young. If I do want to do those things, I should at least work that out soon. I mean, what if…’ Because, you know, the world totally works that way. You decide you want a man and a baby and that’s what happens.
I don’t really know what conclusion to bring this too. That’s pretty much where my thoughts are up to so far: why do I spend so much time thinking about this? Because it’s exhausting.
As well as being stupid.