I feel fat

It’s true.  I feel fat.

Well, ok, I am fat.  Last time I got weighed (when I went to the doctor, about… um… a year ago?) I was just shy of 90 kilos.  That put me one point into the ‘obese’ on the BMI scale… which admitedly is not at all a sensible scale – check out the BMI project.  Next time you hear about the ‘obesity epidemic’, we are the people they are talking about.  That would have made me about the same BMI as Kate Harding .

That’s not the problem.  I’m ok with being fat.  I’m ok with being large.  I’m NOT ok with the BMI system, but that’s a seperate argument.  I’m even ok, in theory, with the fact that I have put on weight.  I dunno what I weigh now, but that really isn’t the point.

The point is twofold.  One, I feel like crap.  I need to get off my butt, because I am stiff and crackly and I feel like an old lady.  But it’s cooooold!  And I’m laaaazy!  Anyway, that one’s gone on the to do list: ‘get off butt and do some sort of stretchy exercise and possibly ride to work a couple times a week even though it is cold and you are unfit and it is further than before and you do have to ride down scary South Road.’  I’ve been making an effort to eat better, too – what with all the renovating and moving, etc, I got into too many bad habits, and then the last week of work at the old place I gave up on breakfast (which I hate) altogether.  But I’ve been sitting myself down and making myself eat a proper breakfast, and cook a proper dinner.  I intend to continue this.  This is not about dieting (I just ate half a packet of jubie lollies and I am NOT SORRY so there) it’s about putting good things into my body and feeling good.  Along with the lollies, if I so chose.  So there.

The second point is, none of my clothes fit.

Most of my work skirts are hand me downs or op shop finds.  As such, when I got most of them they juuuuust fit.  Some of them, the high waisted ones, only fit if I only do them up to the waist, and left about 2cm unzipped.  But now, when I wear these, they sit funny and they are a bit tight and they are uncomfortable.  I sort of only clicked to this a couple of days ago, and then I realised why I had been so cranky lately.  Lack of excercise means I am tired, and don’t feel like I fit into my body.  It’s like it’s a meat suit I have to carry around.  And now that body does not fit into its clothes.

Let’s be clear.  It’s not that I don’t fit my clothes.  They don’t fit me.  I am not the wrong size.  My clothes are the wrong size for me.

The first place I put on weight (and lose it) is my stomach.  This is why my tops still fit (mostly – I need to have a purge of all the shirts that will never ever fit my built-for-carrying-shoulders properly, but that is unrelated to recent weight gain) but my skirts don’t.  I’m still skating between a 16 and an 18 on top, I could probably even wear a 14 if it was stretchy but below, I ain’t getting into anything less than an 18.  Or some pre stretched 16s, maybe.  I mean, my jeans (16) still fit, and my underwear (14s and 16s) do, too.  Yes, you needed to know about my underwear.  But anything with a rigid waistband is a bit of a squeeze.  Especially after lunch.

Because I am a crafter, I know my measurements.  Last I checked (probably about 6 months ago), they were 110, 95, 112.  Yes, I have that memorised, shuddup.  Now – and I mean RIGHT AS OF NOW, because I just this second went and measured myself in the work bathroom FOR YOU, INTERNET, that is HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU – they are 115, 105, 115.  So that’s 5cms added on top and bottom, and 10 in the middle.  Which changes my proportions, which changes how and where my clothes fit. And this is the important bit, because for me, my ‘weight’ and how ‘fat’ I feel is not about how much flesh I have on my body.  It’s not about my mass.  It isn’t, in fact, about my physical presence in the world as a body.  It is about how I feel about my body.  How I move in it, how my clothes fit me, how I feel in my clothes, how sexy and good and beautiful I feel.

At the moment, that is ‘not very well’.

So.  Something needs to change.  I’ve been reading fat fashion blogs as well as a couple of straight sized ones.  Because I’m fatter (or a different shape) than lots of the fatshion bloggers anyway.  And the point is to look nice, not to be thin.  And I’ve made a promise to myself to take better care of my insides by feeding them well and stretching them and all that.  And now I’m looking at my wardrobe.  (In my mind, I’m at work).  Some things – like the majority of my skirts – need to go on hold.  They need to be taken out of my wardrobe because every time I look at them, I see ‘you are the wrong shape and size’.  Which is a LIE.  So they can go live under the bed or something, since my waistline has fluctuated quite a bit in the last year or so they might fit again later.  Things like my shirts need to be tried on, assessed for comfort, and purged. 

Things that ARE THE WRONG SIZE are going.  I am staying.

And then… sigh.  I am going to have to acquire some new clothes.  This is something I dislike doing.  Hopefully it will involve sewing, but either way it will definitely involve angst and money.  And I dislike both of those aspects.  But I also dislike feelig lumpy, and I ALSO dislike wearing the same thing every day.  I enjoy picking out my costume for the day, and I want to be able to choose that costume from a wider array of goodies.  To wear outfits, not just some clothes I picked up off of the floor.  I want to have clothes that I consciously choose, not ones that fit, so whatever, I guess that’s as good as I’m getting.

I can’t do anything about all the thin people who tell me they are ‘soooo fat’ or who talk about ‘obesity epidemics’ or who say ‘oh, you’re good!’ when I have a salad for lunch.  But I can do something about my wardrobe.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go home and sew a hammer and sickle banner for a friend’s party.

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10 thoughts on “I feel fat

  1. Don’t even mention that effing BMI scale. For me to qualify for publicly funded fertility treatment I have to have a BMI of 23. Now I know I’m fat and it’s going to take effort but nothing makes it more obvious than that scale. I really hope I can bring my weight down for a baby but almost as much I will enjoy buying clothes from any old shop, not the hidden away ‘fat chicks’ section.

  2. Oh yes, the crummy gain weight thing.
    Yes, buy, new , comfortable and flattering clothes. When you come across such a thing snap it up, snap up as many as you can, in all the colours available. When you go back to buy more there’ll only be extra-small available.
    If you make your own clothes you side-step the endless finding -something-to-fit. It’s worth it.
    It’s taken me several years to get a pants pattern and a couple of skirt patterns that can be made over and over again and will fit well. Still working on the button front shirt.
    When I wear something that fits well…I feel good. Sometimes people ask met where I bought that top or skirt. That’s a pretty good comment, I think.
    Terrific blog – keep it up.

  3. hello gorgeous! i love your bold and honest post here. May I nod vigorously at every point (and will that vigorous nodding count as exercise?!!) I would like the underline this paragraph too – “I can’t do anything about all the thin people who tell me they are ‘soooo fat’ or who talk about ‘obesity epidemics’ or who say ‘oh, you’re good!’ when I have a salad for lunch. But I can do something about my wardrobe.”
    urgh. URGH! sometimes i feel when thin people say ooooh i’m so fat in front of me just actually meaning to say urgh you’re so fat. Because clearly, the similarities between their so called fat and my actual, visual, real life fat is fairly freaking obvious….but anyway. it’s not about them, is it?!
    may the sewing gods be with you. xx

  4. I am a beginning sewer, so I found the simplest skirt pattern in the world (bias cut, elastic waist). Even for me it was the easiest thing – cut two pieces of fabric, sew up the sides, hem, casing for elastic, done. I was so thrilled to have something that fit me properly, was a good colour and just a good plain basic shape. Maybe you could make a couple plain easy skirts so you have some wardrobe options while you’re taking the time to investigate styles that really suit you.

  5. Can I recommend Queen Clothing?

    She makes excellent stuff for different shapes of ladies. Some of it for small ladies, some for tall ladies (gush gush I pretty much fell in love with Christine Boyle the designer when, in ye olden days, she used to run her shop as well as design the clothes and she said “I’ve got those in a long” as I headed to the changerooms) and stuff that suits persons with tummies.

  6. Obviously if I was concentrating I would have put in the web address, with which you will find their SA stockist: http://www.queenclothing.com.au/

    It’s not cheap, but it’s all good quality and made locally. I have grown out of some of their stuff, but I’ve only worn out one thing, and I wore them to death over several years of very happy use.

  7. Yeah the BMI totally sucks. I wish I had started reading fatshion blogs when I was young (not that they existed then – OMG how did we live without the internet?) and then maybe I would have saved myself from years of dieting, the damage it does and a whole lot of unhappiness. When really what I needed was clothes that fit, that I liked well enough and some excercise and good food. I love how my GP is so PC and HAES that he can genuinely look me in the eye and say to me that “you are better off being fat and fit than than thin and unfit”. A conversation we have had many times because he knows I need to hear it.

    OK now clothes shopping – I find that Target has had good jeans in the plus size – but they run large so you might find you are either in the higher end of the “normal” range or the lower end of the “plus” range. There’s a style I like that’s OK if I bring in the back of the waist a bit. Towanda in Melbourne has really great staggers jeans from NZ but they are obscenely expensive. However the pair I have are on their third year and still going great.

    I tend to do a browse through Kmart, Target, Myer and David Jones every now and then on the off chance I will find something good. I have the most hits at Myer (plus size dept has some younger styles and natural fabrics)and Target (gone downhill recently IMO). Oh and every now and then City Chic. But mostly it’s about supplementing what I can make. If you like, you could trace some patterns from my Ottobre? Also, if you have a-line skirts that you like but they are too tight around the waist they might be possiblities for a re-fashion if there is enough length – I could show you my methods???

    I’m sure you’ll come up with some outfits you like, lovely Kate. 🙂

  8. We are the same person.

    I have no idea of my BMI, but looking at Kate Hardings’ pic indicates that I would definitely be in that same category.

    It’s the purging of the clothes that is so difficult. I struggle with tossing clothes which look AWESOME on my when I’m 3 or 4 (or 10) kilos lighter. But keeping them means that my “current weight” clothes all live on top of the dresser 😉

    I think I need to use your currency here…. “Things that are the WRONG SIZE are going. I AM STAYING”.

    Will purge on the weekend.

    Oh, and I detest shopping too. Ezibuy was MADE for me (I usually return half of what I buy… but the ones I keep fit beautifully!).

Whadya reckon?

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