I was chatting to a friend and to demonstrate a point which I can’t remember anymore I showed her this.
It’s Sweet Honey in the Rock singing verses from Khalil Gibran’s ‘The Prophet’. Those two things have a whole bunch of associations for me, but the base line is, I love this song a whole, whole lot for so many reasons.
Anyway, later in the day I was thinking about it as regards me and my own mother, and whether it’s still relevant (conclusion: yes). And I had a moment where I just intensely missed my dad. The first one without grief all tied in. The kind of missing you might do if someone were overseas, or you just hadn’t had a chance to catch up for a while.
And then of course I was even sadder afterwards. Because I am sort of used, now, to the emotion of missing my dad with anger and grief mixed in, or for feeling bad for missing my dad because he made dealing with my mother easier, or any of those things. But I am not used to missing my dad in a way that makes me think ‘I should call him’.
Clearly, I cannot call him.
And I am angry that, because of the way he chose to leave us, and because of my mother, it has taken me TWO YEARS to be able to just miss him. To just want to hear his voice and share a joke with him, without any other emotional meaning behind that impulse.
There we go. Anger AND grief. That’s more familiar…