Dammit

I was chatting to a friend and to demonstrate a point which I can’t remember anymore I showed her this.

It’s Sweet Honey in the Rock singing verses from Khalil Gibran’s ‘The Prophet’.  Those two things have a whole bunch of associations for me, but the base line is, I love this song a whole, whole lot for so many reasons.

Anyway, later in the day I was thinking about it as regards me and my own mother, and whether it’s still relevant (conclusion: yes).  And I had a moment where I just intensely missed my dad.  The first one without grief all tied in.  The kind of missing you might do if someone were overseas, or you just hadn’t had a chance to catch up for a while.

And then of course I was even sadder afterwards.  Because I am sort of used, now, to the emotion of missing my dad with anger and grief mixed in, or for feeling bad for missing my dad because he made dealing with my mother easier, or any of those things.  But I am not used to missing my dad in a way that makes me think ‘I should call him’.

Clearly, I cannot call him.

And I am angry that, because of the way he chose to leave us, and because of my mother, it has taken me TWO YEARS to be able to just miss him.  To just want to hear his voice and share a joke with him, without any other emotional meaning behind that impulse.

There we go.  Anger AND grief.  That’s more familiar…

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5 thoughts on “Dammit

  1. I know this is a very sensitive issue and perhaps not one where other people’s opinions would matter, but isn’t the fact that this is the first time you thought of missing your Dad without grief significant? It’s taken you this long to get here but now that you are, it might be a sign of progress, acceptance… healing. xxxHugsxxx

  2. I know that talking to my father is very hard to do without causing me anger afterwards but maybe this is a sign that you’re heading towards being able to talk to him, even just a little. I have as little contact as possible with my dad but I always miss him when I don’t talk to him. Damn those family ties.

  3. Oh Kate.
    I have no ability to relate or understand. I imagine it would be so hard to temper the feelings of anger relating to how your Dad died, and the “normal” 10 stages of grief anger/hopelessness/sadness etc etc.

    I hope this ‘new’ feeling is another step towards forward.

    That is silly.
    There is no destination. No we are here moment when it comes to it being ok that a person has died.

    I am not sure if I should even post this little mind spit. I have said nothing. But I feel like I need to write something!

    You are great. I love reading what you share with us all.

  4. As I said to a workmate a little while ago, the thing about grief is that it finds new ways to bite you on the arse just when you think you’re doing ok.

    x K

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