Oh, December. Where did you come from?

So, I’ve been a bit hiding lately.  I couple weeks ago I was wondering why I was so tired.  And then I realised.  Almost December.

I mean, December is wearying enough.  But this year is pretty low key, so why was I stressed?  Oh, that’s right.  It’s Trauma Month.

I forget that I have to be careful of myself.  I’ve been thinking about it, and I have decided that it really is like spoons.  I hesitate to say that, because I am abled and I don’t wish to appropriate language that is helpful to people who need it.  Oh, look, poor me I’m a bit tired and it’s hard!  And it is, in fact, incredibly different.  It isn’t physical tiredness, and so it’s therefore easier to deal with, by far.  I’m not going to be unable to feed or clothe myself because I am too tired.  I may lack the WILL to do those things, on certain days. But that is completely, utterly different from being actually unable to do them. 

It’s emotional tiredness, attention tiredness.  Anything I have to pay attention to or think about emotionally uses up a few more spoons.  And I just don’t have them to spare at the moment.  It’s not that I don’t WANT to spare them, it’s that they are not there.  And I hate it, because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable and like a big fat wuss.  But it’s true, that’s the way it is, and pretending to be fine is completely counter productive.

This week I’ve been migrainey, plus I saw my mother last weekend and am seeing her again on Saturday.  Plus it’s the work christmas thing.  Plus I got two unexpected bulls.  Plus, plus, plus.  Nothing major, really.  Things that in any other month would be irritating but nothing a good whinge couldn’t fix.  But it’s December and I’m TIRED.  I just keep coming back to how weary and drained I am.  I just want to lay down in bed and stare at the ceiling until January.  My temper is short and I am having a hard time making meaningless chit chat with workmates and others without being rude.  I’m sleeping badly and waking up tired and achey.

I didn’t start this meaning to have a whinge.  I meant to simply say, you probably won’t see me around these parts for a while.  Things are fine, but I have to keep reminding myself that they are fine as long as I watch myself and am careful of where my energy is going.  

In a lot of ways, it’s a reminder of how good I actually have it.  At how much grief and pain and that sucking, aching nothingness have receded.  They still are always there, when I’m tired and stressed and upset.  But I am in charge now.  That feels good.  And I want to keep it that way, thankyouverymuch.

So I am opting out until I feel less tired, because unfortunately I am paid to put my attention elsewhere.  Please don’t think this is an appeal for sympathy or a cry for anything.  I really truly am totally fine.  I reserve the right not to be fine, later, but that would be ok too.

I am still reading everyone’s blogs but am too lazy to comment.  I hope all of your holidays go fantabulously, and I shall see you all again soon.

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11 thoughts on “Oh, December. Where did you come from?

  1. mmm yes, despite it being over seven years, I still get the Septembers. You’re right though, the utter awfulness does mostly recede and each year is generally less painful than the last. Which is a good thing or life would be a total shitstorm. December can be fraught too, I think, even at the best of times so IMO laying low is an excellent strategy. As is being nice to yourself in whatever way works best for you.

    So here’s to January!

  2. Pain is pain, and it drains you. I hate that we try to quantify it and make this pain “worse” and that pain “better,” or try to say that this person’s pain doesn’t count because that person is so much worse off, or that I “shouldn’t” feel this way, seeing as how I’m “just” having this so-called “lesser” pain-issue. (Good grief. Enough “‘s in there?!)

    Point being: Take care of yourself, and your pain, and your exhaustion. It’s perfectly real, valid and requires loving attention to yourself.

    End of sermon. 😉

  3. This sounds oddly familiar. I go through periods where the “spoon drawer is empty” (borrowing that analogy as well). There can be small or large triggers…or, seemingly, none at all. Like you, I aim to lay low. I can’t really offer any insights. It seems I muddle through, and I take regular medication (which helps). I’ve learnt that these episodes are usually transient and it’s useful not to beat myself up (psychologically speaking!).
    Hang in there. Do what you can.

  4. Grief is the weirdest journey I’ve ever travelled.

    I want to blog some time about how I really, really get now the whole wearing mourning for YEARS trip the Victorians were on… how I understand it completely , and relate to that much more than our culture of “pull yourself together and move on”.
    For me, day by day, and sometimes, hour by hour is the thing.
    And still the grief can just whack you stupid on the side of the head when you least expect it. Just flow with it. Flowing is working for me. xxx

  5. It is over 17 years since my Mum died and I still get drained when July rolls around. So I am thinking of you and hope you get through the rest of this time relatively unscathed.

    I do have to ask though, tell me more about the ‘unexpected bulls’ you got!

    (just teasing, I assume you meant bills but bulls is so much more intriguing!)

  6. I like the spoons, it’s a much more empowered analogy than the monkeys on my back. You don’t get to choose the monkeys on your back, at least with the spoons you have some control over how you allocate them. I hate the Christmas nexus – it’s like everyone has run out of spoons and lost the capacity to self manage and just as we hit our own low ebb, everyone else seems to emote and expect all over us.

    I think we all live with limitations on the number of spoons we have and even if our allotment is much bigger than others, it is still a useful exercise to think through how we use them. Waste is waste, no matter how many you start off with. I would do very well to be more mindful.

  7. As much as I love reading blogs, and looking at everyone’s beautiful pictures, it can be stressful to do so in December. Why doesn’t my house look like that? Why haven’t I finished my shopping/baking/decorating? Why does even the thought of getting a xmas tree exhaust me? My answer is simple – because I’m recovering from foot surgery and walking pneumonia and a devastating discovery about my daughter. But, you know, life goes on and somehow we have to find the energy to face another day and take care of what really matters – ourselves and our loved ones.

    Best of luck to you this month. And hugs. :o)

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