So, I’ve been a bit hiding lately. I couple weeks ago I was wondering why I was so tired. And then I realised. Almost December.
I mean, December is wearying enough. But this year is pretty low key, so why was I stressed? Oh, that’s right. It’s Trauma Month.
I forget that I have to be careful of myself. I’ve been thinking about it, and I have decided that it really is like spoons. I hesitate to say that, because I am abled and I don’t wish to appropriate language that is helpful to people who need it. Oh, look, poor me I’m a bit tired and it’s hard! And it is, in fact, incredibly different. It isn’t physical tiredness, and so it’s therefore easier to deal with, by far. I’m not going to be unable to feed or clothe myself because I am too tired. I may lack the WILL to do those things, on certain days. But that is completely, utterly different from being actually unable to do them.
It’s emotional tiredness, attention tiredness. Anything I have to pay attention to or think about emotionally uses up a few more spoons. And I just don’t have them to spare at the moment. It’s not that I don’t WANT to spare them, it’s that they are not there. And I hate it, because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable and like a big fat wuss. But it’s true, that’s the way it is, and pretending to be fine is completely counter productive.
This week I’ve been migrainey, plus I saw my mother last weekend and am seeing her again on Saturday. Plus it’s the work christmas thing. Plus I got two unexpected bulls. Plus, plus, plus. Nothing major, really. Things that in any other month would be irritating but nothing a good whinge couldn’t fix. But it’s December and I’m TIRED. I just keep coming back to how weary and drained I am. I just want to lay down in bed and stare at the ceiling until January. My temper is short and I am having a hard time making meaningless chit chat with workmates and others without being rude. I’m sleeping badly and waking up tired and achey.
I didn’t start this meaning to have a whinge. I meant to simply say, you probably won’t see me around these parts for a while. Things are fine, but I have to keep reminding myself that they are fine as long as I watch myself and am careful of where my energy is going.
In a lot of ways, it’s a reminder of how good I actually have it. At how much grief and pain and that sucking, aching nothingness have receded. They still are always there, when I’m tired and stressed and upset. But I am in charge now. That feels good. And I want to keep it that way, thankyouverymuch.
So I am opting out until I feel less tired, because unfortunately I am paid to put my attention elsewhere. Please don’t think this is an appeal for sympathy or a cry for anything. I really truly am totally fine. I reserve the right not to be fine, later, but that would be ok too.
I am still reading everyone’s blogs but am too lazy to comment. I hope all of your holidays go fantabulously, and I shall see you all again soon.